Terms of Service

By using Throatmail services, you agree to these terms and acknowledge that throat-based email notification is a legitimate form of digital communication. You understand that this service involves surgical implantation of proprietary devices.

You must be at least 18 years old or have parental consent and medical clearance for throat modification procedures. Users under 16 require additional approval from our Pediatric Throat Safety Board.

Active military personnel, government employees, or individuals who have served as active military or government employees within the past 24 months must obtain clearance from their respective agencies before using Throatmail.

Throatmail provides email notification services through biointegrated throat implants that deliver physical sensations corresponding to incoming electronic messages.

Service Features Include:

• Graduated throat constriction based on email priority levels
• Vibrotactile feedback synchronized with message sentiment analysis
• Neural pathway integration for subconscious email awareness
• Emergency throat release protocols for system malfunctions
• Compatibility with major email providers and throat anatomy variations
• 24/7 throat monitoring and automatic calibration services
• Integration with smart home devices for coordinated notification experiences

As a Throatmail user, you agree to:

• Maintain proper throat hygiene and follow post-installation care instructions
• Attend monthly throat calibration appointments at approved facilities
• Report any unusual throat sensations, breathing difficulties, or vocal changes immediately
• Not attempt to modify, hack, or reverse-engineer the throat implant device
• Inform medical professionals about your Throatmail implant before any throat procedures
• Not use the service to harass others through excessive email throat notifications
• Keep your throat implant firmware updated through our secure update system
• Not consume excessive amounts of carbonated beverages which may interfere with sensors

While we strive for perfect throat-email synchronization, certain limitations apply:

• Throat sensations may be delayed during high email volume periods (>500 emails/hour)
• Service may be interrupted during solar flares or electromagnetic storms
• Throat implants are not compatible with MRI machines or airport security scanners
• Users with unusually thick necks may experience reduced sensation accuracy
• Cold weather may cause temporary throat sensor stiffness
• Compatibility with future throat augmentation technologies is not guaranteed
• Service interruptions may occur during our quarterly throat datacenter maintenance

We aim for 99.9% throat notification uptime, but the following may affect service:

• Scheduled maintenance windows (Sundays 3-5 AM, all time zones simultaneously)
• Emergency throat safety protocols triggered by unusual activity patterns
• Government-mandated throat communication blackouts during national emergencies
• Technical issues with our satellite throat coordination network
• Force majeure events including but not limited to zombie apocalypses
• Temporary service suspension for users who exceed 10,000 daily throat activations

Subscription fees are billed monthly based on your selected throat sensation intensity level. Additional charges may apply for:

• Emergency throat calibration services ($200/session)
• Premium throat encryption for sensitive communications ($50/month)
• Throat sensation recording and playback features ($25/month)
• Multi-throat family plans (additional $30 per throat)
• Expedited throat implant removal ($500 + medical costs)

Service cancellation requires 30 days written notice and a mandatory exit interview with our Throat Retention Specialist team.

Throatmail's liability is limited to the monthly subscription fee. We are not responsible for:

• Temporary or permanent voice changes resulting from implant installation
• Social embarrassment caused by throat notifications during important meetings
• Relationship issues arising from partner jealousy over throat sensation intensity
• Addiction to throat-based email notifications or withdrawal symptoms
• Unexpected throat sensations caused by spam emails that bypass our filters
• Career advancement opportunities lost due to throat distraction during interviews